Why do all holiday gift guides for men read like a toxic man's cry for help?

The myriad “Holiday Gift Guide for Men!” lists that pop up this time of year have me worried about American men.

The most generous reading of these lists suggests that we – the dudes and dads and fellas of this great nation – are alcoholic pyromaniacs who spend our time wielding sharp knives and dousing things in hot sauce.

Whiskey glasses, spicy steak rubs, bourbon-scented soaps, geometric whiskey cubes to go in the whiskey glasses, grilling accoutrements, hot-sauce sets. And the knives. Knife sets, knife sharpeners, pocket knives, survival knives.

What are holiday gift guides for men trying to tell us about ... men?

Having perused dozens of lists, I’m left with this thought: These are less gift ideas and more a cry for help. It’s like toxic masculinity in list form:

1. Let’s make sure he’s drunk.
2. Let’s make sure he has a weird obsession with meat and fire.
3. And let’s arm him with as many blades as possible. 

I don’t mean to knock any of my fellow men who do, in fact, love booze, Elijah’s Xtreme Regret hot sauce and sharp items used for innocent food-based slicing and dicing.

But what message are these lists sending? I’m a card-carrying American guy, and I don’t want anything that smells like bourbon. Spicy sauces bother my tummy. I’ve got a couple knives – they cut just fine, so I’m all set there.

A hip flask, a mini chainsaw and some fire. What could go wrong?

Esquire’s gift list for guys features a hot sauce sampler set that includes 30 different bottles of sauce. Thirty! Ghost pepper, cayenne bacon, smoky bourbon. There’s also a hip flask – always a sign of a healthy relationship with alcohol – a whiskey decanter and a tabletop fire pit.

Merry Christmas, give me gifts:Let's be real. Gifts are all that matter this holiday season.

Good Housekeeping’s list includes a whiskey club membership, a 3-bottle revolving liquor dispenser and a mini chainsaw.

At Uncommon Goods, “392 Unique Christmas Gift Ideas for Men 2023” is a veritable who’s who of, “You might want to consider some of these gifts a red flag.” There’s a whiskey-making kit, whiskey-infused toothpicks, a cocktails smoker, “golf ball whiskey chillers,” whiskey and wine barrel bracelets, Himalayan salt tequila glasses, an online class called “How to Whiskey” and, of course, a hot-sauce making kit.

I mean ... anyone want to throw in a book, maybe? Or perhaps anything that doesn’t eventually lead to a hangover?

American men need to unite against the tyranny of holiday gift guides

I think it’s high time the men of America – the ones who refuse to be stereotyped by holiday gift lists – stand up and demand better.

For example, I would like a nap. That would be very high up on my list of normal male gift ideas.

I would also like one of those bubbling foot bath thingies – the ones I notice only seem to show up on holiday gift guides “for her.” I think it would make my feet very happy, and since I’m not drinking bourbon every five minutes to dull the foot pain, I could use it.

I would like some LEGOs to play around with, because why should my kids get to have all the fun? And I would like a super-soft, snuggly blanket to use during my nap – another thing that shows up all the time on gift guides for women but rarely if ever on the lists for men.

A gift for your Swiftie:The Taylor Swift economy must be protected at all costs

Be your own man, not the man holiday gift guides want you to be

I am not a spicy drunk guy who likes to cut meat. I am a non-spicy normal guy who is tired and would like a nice, post-foot-bath Coke Zero and some chips while snuggled beneath his absurdly plush blanket mindlessly connecting LEGOs.

You got a problem with that?

We American men are better, more decent and smarter than our nation’s holiday gift guides make us out to be. But until we let our voices be heard, all the shopping public will hear is a tragic cry for help, in shopping list form.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk