No more snowball fights: How to talk politics – or not – with relatives during the holidays

December isn't always the most wonderful time of the year.

You may be busy shopping for gifts or fighting airport crowds as you travel to see loved ones. You may also have to organize other traditions and celebrations as the year comes to and end.

But the holidays can be especially daunting if you and your family don't agree about politics or debates dividing the country.

This holiday season, as Americans break bread with loved ones, many will be navigating – or trying to avoid – heated discussions over politics, from the upcoming 2024 presidential election to the ongoing war in Israel.

Psychologists and diversity, equity and inclusion experts told USA TODAY how families can chart a course through, or around, landmine-filled political discussions this year and enjoy a happy holiday.

Avoiding political discourse

Holidays are known as a time when people come together. Sometimes that includes individuals who wouldn’t normally choose to be around each other, Joshua Coleman, psychologist and author of “Rules of Estrangement,” previously told USA TODAY.

And as families start to discuss controversial issues, underlying dynamics can rise to the surface. Those may include longstanding family disputes, sibling rivalries or other lingering feelings, all of which risk being triggered around the holiday dinner table, Coleman said.

If the goal this holiday season is to avoid conflict, he suggested that, before knocking on a relative's door, people proactively weigh the situation they’re entering.

“It's useful to kind of take your own temperature about your readiness to be in that environment," Coleman said. “What's the likelihood that it's not going to go well, and you're going to end up regretting having gone?” 

Deciding whether to engage at the table

For those who attend family events, the methods of approaching political conversations this holiday season will likely depend on individual relationship dynamics.

Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a clinical psychologist and host of the advice podcast "Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic," previously recommended that anybody debating whether to tiptoe into political territory should first consider what outcomes they’re trying to achieve.

If the conversation is likely to devolve into an “I’m right, you’re wrong” screaming match, or “if the odds of listening and being heard are zero,” Kennedy-Moore said, it’s best to avoid the topic and try talking about other subjects instead.

“We want to focus on what brings us together,” she explained. “That could be our shared interest or shared experiences with people that we care about.” 

Considering who will be in attendance is also important, Risha Grant, a DEI consultant, said, noting that not everyone in the room may want to take part in a politically charged discussion.

“Set ground rules,” she urged. “If you have to have the conversation, put guidelines around it because if you don’t, it’s going to get out of hand.”

Approach with empathy

When political debate is inevitable, Kennedy-Moore said the key to keeping the conversation civil is to approach the other person’s point of view with curiosity and understanding, rather than disdain.

“We have to tread gently and with focus on our common humanity, rather than blasting someone as you’re wrong, and you’re evil,” she warned.

The tone and location of the conversation can make a difference between a positive interaction and one that ends in a food fight.

“Try to keep it friendly. Skip the insults and the sarcasm and watch your body language,” Kennedy-Moore suggested. “Keep it open and relaxed, lean back, have your arms and your elbows away from your body – and definitely no pointing.”

She also recommended containing the discussion to a small group so yelling is less likely, and “there's no audience to try to impress” or sides to be taken.  

If tensions begin to rise, it’s time to swiftly end the discussion, Grant warned. Typically, she said, this is the point of no return when people begin to stop listening and instead dig their heels into the sand.

“Most likely people that are saying things that are absolutely rude and out of line on holidays don't have any boundaries,” she said. “You have to set those boundaries and, I don't say this lightly because family is very important, but even to the point of leaving.”

Exiting unwanted conversations

Sometimes, it may also be appropriate to shutdown political arguments right from the outset.

“I think it's OK to say this conversation is very painful for me. Let's talk about something else,” Kennedy-Moore said. “If difficult topics come up, and you don't want to go there, you can give just noncommittal ‘hmm,’ or ... change the subject.”

If relatives don’t respect those boundaries and persist with the conversation anyway, Kennedy-Moore recommended finding an exit strategy from the table, such as getting up for a drink of water or going to the bathroom.

And if all else fails, Coleman advised that leaving the holiday event altogether can sometimes be the best last resort.

“You're not obligated to stay at a family gathering if people are behaving in an abusive, destructive or hurtful way,” he said. “You always have the option of just getting up and saying, ‘OK, well, maybe we can talk about this later. But I have told you that if this continued, I was going to get up and leave. So, I'm actually going to get up and leave.’”